She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
