Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
