R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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