I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
