(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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