I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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