doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
