so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
