I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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