I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i will never coherently bang her
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
