I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Randomize
