You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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