I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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