woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Two words: blizzard sex
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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