hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
you inspire me to be a worse person
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
