I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
