i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Randomize
