operation harelip BJ is a go
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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