This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
