I'm laying in your front yard are you home
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
