His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
