piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
