so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
