thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
