We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Randomize
