i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
