Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
