I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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