I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Randomize
