Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I'm bleeding and have questions
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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