in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
