I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
only if we run a train.
done.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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