John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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