Please, let me fuck your mom
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
My life is pants optional.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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