tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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