you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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