he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
