he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
