If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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