can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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