One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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