Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I party with great urgency now.
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