I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
