I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
