I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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