dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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