A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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