I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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