I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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