So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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