Don't you send me to vm
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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