We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Randomize
