I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I love you so must. You as do fraty. You are truly my veste breakable (ties I wtf racket Andover). Luce you. Have a safe drive bio dough failover.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
